how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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