i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
