so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize