If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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