you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
