He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
