I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
