we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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