just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
