People with herpes should wear stickers.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
