i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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