life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
