I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
