Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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