fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
