Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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