Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
50% drunk capacity currently
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
