so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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