We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize