i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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