It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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