walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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