God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
