So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
