I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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