Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
