Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
