She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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