turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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