...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
