what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize