The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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