Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
