I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she peed on how many people?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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