I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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