I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
me + whiskey = a bad person
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
