and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
