Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
sex in a hospital.. check
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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