worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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