Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
