He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
