Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i've created a new STD.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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