smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
