I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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