I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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