lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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