Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm both gender and math confused
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
