didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
