8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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