The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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