Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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