I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
