i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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