Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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