planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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