I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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