the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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