i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
