I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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