As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
two words...techno handjob
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
