My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
