i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
