god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
