Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Boobs are out for the taking
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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