I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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