is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
