You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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